I'd found my journal from 10 years prior & it scared the shit out of me:
It seemed I’d been frozen in time as my inner thoughts & fears were on repeat, not changing one bit since they were first recorded. I’ve written about this before but it bears repeating. It was much more enlightening telling my own self I needed to come up with a new plan than anyone else telling me to. I’d been struggling with anxiety & depression for more than 10 years, all the while on meds & in therapy. I seemed put together on the outside but inside, I was a mess, struggling to pull off a double-identity. My calm, cool exterior hid the angst inside my body & mind. It was exhausting. It’d all started in med school with the B- I got on the first test one month into training: that feeling of not being good enough. No matter what I did, what metrics I used to prove my self-worth, I never felt enough. I was scared all the time that I couldn’t handle adult life. How could I be a doctor & take care of others when my mind was constantly distracted by ruminations of self-doubt/self-loathing, rehashing of past mistakes (i.e. not meeting my own or other’s unrealistic expectations, wrong answers I’d given, reading a CT scan overnight on call & having my attending say, “Ummm- you didn’t say that, did you?”) How could I be a good spouse/mother to my 3 kids & still have a career, doing everything half-assed? That day I read my journal I realized I needed to reprogram my hard-drive. I couldn’t keep waiting for someone outside of myself to fix things. The train I was on was the WRONG TRAIN. I wrote my way into this realization & I also wrote my way out. (Cue Hamilton!) Many people scoff at journaling. It’s too bad because a) it’s free
b) it’s available to anyone c) it’s the best way to really get to know yourself d) it helps you discover your true feelings e) it helps you manifest the life you actually want Writing your thoughts out by hand accesses another part of your brain than talking, typing, or thinking. It accesses YOU. The real you. Writing HEALS.
What’s been your best strategy to get unstuck? Have you tried journaling? Why or why not? Has it helped?
Show Up, Be Seen, Live Brave™ 💚tracey Tracey O'Connell, M.D. Physician - Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator Helping you FEEL...better, so you can feel better. www.traceyoconnellmd.com